Don't jump to conclusions. This isn't an over-share. This isn't a plea of any kind. It's a play on words. What I'm really looking to do is embarrass myself... get it? Ha, ha? Maybe?
A warning I often received before going to visit Costa Rica the first time was that if you were embarrassed, expressing it with a hearty "embarazada!" would not get the response you desire. That would in fact be a loud proclamation of "I'm pregnant!" Not one of those words you can just drop and pretend to know what's going on...
I, like many people, do not like to look stupid. It upsets my stomach. When I don't know what's going on (or when I am really embarrassed) I clam up, my mind clears completely and I can't wipe the panic off my face. I have decided, however, that it would be in my best interest to practice and to learn how best to deal with this discomfort. My theory is, if I practice playing the fool now, it won't be as hard when I really am the fool.
I'm making an effort, therefore, to self impose a little bit of foolish energy (hence, the title and majority of this post). Yesterday for example, I called the Costa Rican Consulate and sounded really confused. Somehow, I managed to misspell my own last name and had to wait for 5 minutes while someone (who seamed really busy) searched for my paperwork. To add insult to injury, I realized that I would have to call back almost immediately, but in the spirit of not caring how much of an idiot I looked like, I mustered up the courage and did so. Then I ran into the neighbor's yard to pose with their snowman. Whoa, blowing your mind with this crazy behavior, right? Baby steps.
Seriously though, if I'm not willing to make mistakes in front of people, how can I expect them to make mistakes in front of me? Learning a new language is really hard and having the guts to talk if you're 95% certain you're wrong makes it even more of a challenge.
For some of you who have seen my loud ways, it may be hard to believe that I am most often a pretty shy person. I know that I can fly off the handle and rant for what must seem like hours, but there is actually a lot of processing time in my brain too. I often rework the same thought, phrase, or little bit of courage for quite a while before I can convince myself to speak.
Which is why this blog is interesting in itself. I like writing it and I like the idea of people reading it, but I feel like I have to have something significant before I post something. It's good to write something worth sharing, but making that decision seems to take me forever. Sometimes I find myself just wanting to sit in front of the computer all day, babbling like mad. While other times I come up with a great idea, or so I think for a few minutes, but by the time I actually get to writing it down, I've completely talked myself out of it. There have been times in my life when I have been encouraged to write. This time I am going to really try and follow through with it.
Don't worry, I won't publish everything, but this is the kind of journey that may need to be digested in written form. I ask for your patience, oh good readers. Additionally, if you would like to join me in the spirit of folly, I welcome you to face that feeling in the pit of your stomach and boldly blunder. It would make me feel better to know that I'm not alone on this path.
What will I do today that may be really embarrassing? I've decided to publish this post. Even though estoy muy apenado. I am very embarrassed.